You know how the Star Trek feature film DVDs come with text commentary by Trek trivia king and Next Generation graphic designer Michael Okuda? Think of these tweets from my Twitter page on April 14 (a few days before Independent Record Store Day on April 17) as the text commentary that should have been part of the Empire Records DVD.
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Frigging Rex Manning Day. In a few minutes, I'm live-tweeting the #EmpireRecords: Remix! Special Fan Edition DVD, which came out in 2003.
12:05 PM Apr 14th via web
I'm a few minutes late. I'm on SuperStation TBS time.
12:06 PM Apr 14th via web
The Warner logo means the #EmpireRecords: Remix! Special Fan Edition live-tweet starts now. Why live-tweet a DVD that dropped 7 years ago?
12:09 PM Apr 14th via web
#EmpireRecords has things in it I like (particularly some of the songs and the fake Rex Manning music) and things I can't stand.
12:10 PM Apr 14th via web
The things I can't stand during #EmpireRecords (or as I like to call the film, Car Wash for alt-rockers) make it worthy of a live-tweet.
12:10 PM Apr 14th via web
When I started writing the webcomic The Palace, which is set at an indie theater, I told myself I must avoid the cliches of #EmpireRecords.
12:11 PM Apr 14th via web
The movie is an example of fun premise/sloppy execution (all that shit happens to the staffers in one day?).
12:11 PM Apr 14th via web
The movie flings dramatic crises at you with all the precision of a chimp flinging his poop at zoo-goers.
12:11 PM Apr 14th via web
This is the kind of movie where dunking a teen's head in the sink will make her diet pill addiction magically disappear.
12:13 PM Apr 14th via web
The midnight customer lady says, "Ugh, I couldn't look at Letterman's face for another second." Must be a fucking Leno fan.
12:13 PM Apr 14th via web
"Ugh, I couldn't look at Letterman's face for another second." I bet she masturbates over Leno's freakish-looking chin.
12:14 PM Apr 14th via web
Though he's much funnier than Leno, Letterman's no prize either. 11:35 network TV show hosting is for ugly rich people.
12:15 PM Apr 14th via web
I like the soundtracks of Allan Moyle's movies more than the movies themselves.
12:15 PM Apr 14th via web
"Til I Hear It from You" was #EmpireRecords' most played single, but my favorite cut was Edwyn Collins' "A Girl Like You."
12:15 PM Apr 14th via web
Rory Cochrane's Zen troublemaker Lucas is one of the few movie characters who can pull off a Spock haircut.
12:16 PM Apr 14th via web
As the opening credits roll, I have no idea which scenes Warner Bros. added to the theatrical cut in 2003.
12:16 PM Apr 14th via web
I think one of the added scenes is Lucas weeping for V'Ger as he would for a brother.
12:18 PM Apr 14th via web
Hey, it's Carey Mulligan. Woops, nope, my bad. It's a young Ethan Embry.
12:19 PM Apr 14th via web
Ethan Embry from Showtime's Brotherhood (back when he was known as Ethan Randall) plays Shaggy, uh, I mean, Mark.
12:20 PM Apr 14th via web
Showtime's Brotherhood. I think I bought an EP release by that band once.
12:20 PM Apr 14th via web
Showtime's Brotherhood sounds like some band that once opened for Jane's Addiction or... K's Choice or... Eve's Plum.
12:21 PM Apr 14th via web
Hard to believe that Mark and the cop in Brotherhood were played by the same guy.
12:21 PM Apr 14th via web
Liv Tyler's car scene is shot to look exactly like her Aerosmith video with Alicia Silverstone, in case we forget who Liv is.
12:22 PM Apr 14th via web
I like how Anthony LaPaglia doesn't give a shit about A.J.'s problems. It's Jack Malone: The Record Store Years.
12:23 PM Apr 14th via web
Jack Malone was an undercover Fed who posed as Joe, a Delaware record store owner, before he transferred to Missing Persons.
12:23 PM Apr 14th via web
Agent Malone's assignment was to investigate why Delaware record store employees keep dancing and never seem to do any work.
12:23 PM Apr 14th via web
A.J. shouts, "A little bit of focus would make me very happy!" That's also what I said about the 2nd half of this movie.
12:24 PM Apr 14th via web
The narrative in #EmpireRecords is often interrupted by overlong footage of what Dave Chappelle would call "white people dancin'."
12:25 PM Apr 14th via web
The writer of #EmpireRecords based it on a Tower Records she used to work at. I don't remember seeing the Tower clerks dance all the time.
12:25 PM Apr 14th via web
Not even the clerks at laid-back Streetlight Records here in the Bay Area are this peppy or fond of air-guitaring.
12:26 PM Apr 14th via web
High Fidelity's Championship Vinyl is what a real indie record store looks like. #EmpireRecords is a record store straight outta Disneyland.
12:28 PM Apr 14th via web
Where's the clerk who laughs at customers' music choices?
12:29 PM Apr 14th via web
Where are the clerks who yak at length about how bitter they still are about Glenn Danzig not being cast as Wolverine?
12:29 PM Apr 14th via web
Although Tower was the basis for #EmpireRecords, it's portrayed as the enemy and renamed Music Town. The facade is red/yellow like Tower's.
12:30 PM Apr 14th via web
Tower is also a villain in Treme. Its pilot has a funny subplot in which Steve Zahn fights Tower to get his band's CDs back.
12:30 PM Apr 14th via web
Maxwell Caulfield's character Rex Manning is like a white--and straight--Ricky Martin. Hey, they even got the same initials.
12:31 PM Apr 14th via web
In #EmpireRecords' alternate universe, "Say No More" is like "Livin' La Vida Loca" in 1999. You can't hide your ears from the motherfucker!
12:31 PM Apr 14th via web
Liv Tyler resembles Unhappily Ever After-era Nikki Cox during the scene when she's dancing to "Say No More."
12:32 PM Apr 14th via web
All that's missing is the audience of drunken sailors who were bused in to the studio to holla at Nikki Cox.
12:32 PM Apr 14th via web
Anthony LaPaglia says to Ethan Embry, "Mark, could you please not sing?" Mark, could you please try not to be funny?
12:36 PM Apr 14th via web
Mark is the stoner version of the Martian comic relief from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians who tries too hard to be wacky.
12:36 PM Apr 14th via web
Cochrane is the funniest actor in the movie. "Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear."
12:38 PM Apr 14th via web
It's as if Cochrane came from a different, wittier movie. He's like the basketball coach who's too witty to be in Teen Wolf.
12:38 PM Apr 14th via web
Lucas doesn't get fired for gambling away $9000 of #EmpireRecords' money. Good thing Joe doesn't fire Lucas. He's the only funny character.
12:39 PM Apr 14th via web
Aw yeah, "Romeo & Juliet" by Dire Straits. Because this is #EmpireRecords, we're given only 30 seconds to savor the tune.
12:39 PM Apr 14th via web
The ballet dancer customer who's getting checked out by Mark during the Dire Straits sequence looks like Maria McKee.
12:39 PM Apr 14th via web
The Maria McKee/Lone Justice track "Ways to Be Wicked" is a great forgotten driving-with-the-top-down song from the '80s.
12:40 PM Apr 14th via web
Lone Justice is also known for "Shelter." Let me be your shelter, shelter from the annoying Mark, Maria McKee lookalike.
12:40 PM Apr 14th via web
Lone Justice's "Ways to Be Wicked" has nothing to do with #EmpireRecords, but it's a cool fucking song: http://bit.ly/KbZP3
12:40 PM Apr 14th via web
The ballet dancer is played by Maxwell Caulfield's stepdaughter from his marriage to Juliet Mills.
12:41 PM Apr 14th via web
I want the Devo hat lampshade that's behind Lucas when Joe tells him he should have come to him for help.
12:43 PM Apr 14th via web
Robin Tunney, who plays Deb, cuts off her hair to the tune of "Free" by the Martinis. The #EmpireRecords song list: http://bit.ly/cneIj2
12:45 PM Apr 14th via web
The Martinis was co-founded by TV composer Joey Santiago, the Pinoy member of the Pixies. "Free": http://bit.ly/DWE6O
12:45 PM Apr 14th via web
The Pixies get mentioned in closing credits dialogue between Eddie the pizzaboy and Mark about bands they dig and hate.
12:45 PM Apr 14th via web
One day, Britney Spears saw Robin Tunney shave off her hair, and a Cheetos-stained lightbulb popped up over her head. 12:45 PM Apr 14th via web
Too bad Deb didn't lower that electric shaver and work on her armpits as well.
12:46 PM Apr 14th via web
One of the lamest moments in #EmpireRecords is Liv Tyler's boring floppy-haired love interest referring to Mr. Miyagi as Chinese.
12:47 PM Apr 14th via web
Miyagi is Japanese, you emo dipshit who told the barber, "Dude, make me look like a greasy, post-Eight Is Enough Adam Rich."
12:47 PM Apr 14th via web
Because of his line about Miyagi, I got a kick out of seeing Johnny Whitworth get bitchslapped and killed in 3:10 to Yuma.
12:48 PM Apr 14th via web
There are some pretty awful Gen-X hairdos in this flick (exhibit A: A.J.). Speaking of Gen-Xers: http://onion.com/9tDHch
12:48 PM Apr 14th via web
That Simpsons episode that flashed back to Homer and Marge as Gen-Xers must have turned to this movie for fashion ideas.
12:49 PM Apr 14th via web
See, kids, the thing that the pizzaboy handed to Mark is called a cassette. No, you can't plug it in to your MacBook, silly.
12:49 PM Apr 14th via web
"Video Killed the Radio Star" was the first music video MTV played. I'm looking forward to "Internet Killed the Video Star."
12:53 PM Apr 14th via web
"Internet Killed the Video Star" will then be followed by "Holobands Killed the Internet Star."
12:54 PM Apr 14th via web
Is Rex Manning a jab at Richard Marx? The fans who show up for Rex Manning Day were probably also into Richard Marx.
12:57 PM Apr 14th via web
I have no clue who Justin Bieber is, other than he's a trending topic and he has a Rex Manning-like future ahead of him.
12:57 PM Apr 14th via web
I can't name any of Bieber's songs. Whenever he performed on SNL last week, I would change the channel to Austin City Limits.
12:58 PM Apr 14th via web
I flicked to Austin City Limits and pretended Kings of Leon was Tina's musical guest. That's how interested I am in Bieber.
12:58 PM Apr 14th via web
Shh! It's my favorite scene. Renee Zellweger dances around in nothing but a Music Town apron and black panties. 12:59 PM Apr 14th via web
Dave Chappelle's Trading Spouses character said, "Who the hell is Renee Zell-weh-jer?" That the hell is Renee Zell-weh-jer.
12:59 PM Apr 14th via web
I would love to see some chick turn the Renee Zellweger Music Town apron into a Halloween costume someday.
1:00 PM Apr 14th via web
Great understated bit of comic acting by Cochrane as he reacts to Gina in the apron and covers Warren the shoplifter's eyes.
1:00 PM Apr 14th via web
"Hey Rex, what happened to your hair?" Hey Debi Mazar, what happened to your hair?
1:00 PM Apr 14th via web
With the red pixie cut, Debi Mazar looks like she's auditioning to be the white member of the Mary Jane Girls.
1:02 PM Apr 14th via web
Debi Mazar plays a record label publicist who secretly hates Rex. Her publicist character on Entourage is far less timid.
1:03 PM Apr 14th via web
I want to see Mazar's Entourage character get into a filthy insult duel with Peter Capaldi's spin doctor from In the Loop.
1:04 PM Apr 14th via web
The #EmpireRecords cast includes 3 future stars of CBS procedurals: Without a Trace's Anthony LaPaglia, The Mentalist's Robin Tunney and...
1:05 PM Apr 14th via web
... Rory Cochrane. He went on to briefly co-star with David Caruso's sunglasses on CSI: Miami.
1:05 PM Apr 14th via web
I'm not sure what the amount of future CBS procedural actors in the cast says about #EmpireRecords. Maybe they were looking for a corpse...
1:06 PM Apr 14th via web
... without realizing that the corpse was #EmpireRecords itself. The movie sat on Warner Bros.' shelf and then died at the box office.
1:06 PM Apr 14th via web
I know, Without a Trace was a missing persons show, not a whodunit like Mentalist & CSI, but for the purposes of that joke...
1:07 PM Apr 14th via web
Ethan Embry was also a regular on a procedural, but this one aired on ABC: Ed O'Neill's surprisingly not-so-crappy Dragnet.
1:08 PM Apr 14th via web
I liked the O'Neill Dragnet more than the Dragnet everyone else grew up on because unlike Jack Webb, O'Neill can act.
1:08 PM Apr 14th via web
I liked how nobody on Dick Wolf's Dragnet read their lines off cue cards like on the Jack Webb version.
1:09 PM Apr 14th via web
Having O'Neill partner up with his Dutch co-star Embry was a nice touch. So was Mike Post's update of the Dragnet theme.
1:15 PM Apr 14th via web
The quality of O'Neill's Dragnet didn't last though. It became unwatchable when it changed its title to L.A. Dragnet.
1:15 PM Apr 14th via web
L.A. Dragnet? WTF, Dick Wolf? That's like if one day, he decided to change Law & Order's title to N.Y. Law & Order...
1:16 PM Apr 14th via web
... or if CBS decided to change the title of its new Hawaii Five-0 remake to Hawaiian Hawaii Five-0.
1:16 PM Apr 14th via web
A.J. weirds out Corey with "I love you." Michael Showalter's lovesick Wet Hot American Summer character was a parody of A.J.
1:22 PM Apr 14th via web
Any scene between Johnny Whitworth's A.J. and Liv Tyler's Corey is always a good time for me to go clean out my e-mail.
1:22 PM Apr 14th via web
Caring about the romance in #EmpireRecords is like watching Caddyshack just to see if Michael O'Keefe will win over the chick from Ireland.
1:23 PM Apr 14th via web
#EmpireRecords director Allan Moyle also made Pump Up the Volume, which features an odd appearance by a Wonder Years babe-turned-porn star.
1:24 PM Apr 14th via web
My 2 favorite tracks from the #EmpireRecords album--"A Girl Like You" and the Cranberries' "Liar"--are back-to-back in the movie.
1:28 PM Apr 14th via web
Edwyn Collins shot two "A Girl Like You" videos. They Might Be Giants' John Flansburgh directed one of them: http://bit.ly/aZk7wV
1:29 PM Apr 14th via web
The full version of the great fake pop song "Say No More": http://bit.ly/wuh6Z. "Say No More" wasn't included on the #EmpireRecords album.
1:30 PM Apr 14th via web
Soundtrack albums that don't contain many of the songs I liked hearing in the movie are annoying (#EmpireRecords, GoodFellas).
1:32 PM Apr 14th via web
"Say No More" is a dead-on parody of washed-up soap actors-turned-pop singers, right down to Rex's puffy shirt.
1:32 PM Apr 14th via web
#EmpireRecords must've been temp-tracked with Beastie Boys joints. Rex Manning gets thrown out to the tune of a "Johnny Ryall" soundalike.
1:33 PM Apr 14th via web
#EmpireRecords is one caffeine pill away from turning into a very special Saved by the Bell.1:34 PM Apr 14th via web
Aw Christ, the Renee Zellweger/Liv Tyler screaming match is more OTT than Elizabeth Berkley's "I'm So Excited" meltdown.
1:34 PM Apr 14th via web
If Liv Tyler performed her screaming match with Zellweger in Elvish, the Elvish still wouldn't save the scene from sucking.
1:35 PM Apr 14th via web
#EmpireRecords is an incredibly bipolar movie. Many of its characters act like it too.
1:35 PM Apr 14th via web
Amazon.com's #EmpireRecords review is spot-on: the film "screeches with the sound of teenagers falling apart emotionally every 5 minutes."
1:35 PM Apr 14th via web
From Google Health's page on bipolar disorder: "Periods of excitability (mania) alternating with periods of depression"?
1:36 PM Apr 14th via web
"The 'mood swings' between mania and depression can be very abrupt"? Yep, that describes #EmpireRecords to a tee.
1:36 PM Apr 14th via web
Perhaps bipolar isn't even the right word to describe #EmpireRecords' constant changes in tone. It's more like quintupolar.
1:38 PM Apr 14th via web
By the way, what the hell is up with that expression "describes it to a tee"? That expression makes no sense.
1:38 PM Apr 14th via web
Robin Tunney's delivery of "Oh Rexy, stop that! You're so sexy!" is amusing. Funniest bald chick since Shorty Robe Ilia.1:39 PM Apr 14th via web
"You are the Kirk Unit." How does an actress say that with a straight face?
1:40 PM Apr 14th via web
The no-longer-bald stand-up comic Rene Hicks was a pretty funny bald lady too.
1:41 PM Apr 14th via web
Tracy Morgan does a dead-on Chewbacca. He also recently did a hilarious impression of Dr. Zaius on Letterman.
1:41 PM Apr 14th via web
I don't know if Tracy Morgan's ever seen Star Trek: The Motion Picture, but...
1:41 PM Apr 14th via web
... I'd like to see Tracy Morgan add the Ilia probe to his repertoire of '60s/'70s sci-fi character impressions.
1:43 PM Apr 14th via web
Mark wolfs down Eddie's pot brownies and laughs it up as he imagines himself jamming on TV with GWAR.
1:43 PM Apr 14th via web
Pot brownies can help make unfunny things funnier, like this GWAR/brownies sequence. Or According to Jim. Or Mind of Mencia.
1:44 PM Apr 14th via web
Or Glenn Beck comedy tours. On second thought, maybe not even pot brownies could help make them entertaining.
1:44 PM Apr 14th via web
Eddie the Henry Rollins-hating pizzaboy is one of the few #EmpireRecords characters who's not recycled from an '80s teen flick.
1:45 PM Apr 14th via web
Most of the #EmpireRecords characters don't discuss their musical tastes, so it's a relief to hear Eddie drop knowledge about Eric Clapton.
1:46 PM Apr 14th via web
Eddie, who's played by James "Kimo" Wills, actually sounds like someone I'd find working in an indie record store.
1:46 PM Apr 14th via web
There's a funny @The_AV_Club article about movie and TV characters with unconvincing musical tastes: http://bit.ly/aZi4KO
1:46 PM Apr 14th via web
One good thing about #EmpireRecords is that it doesn't have Eddie express some out-of-nowhere love for Hootie & the Blowfish or something.
1:46 PM Apr 14th via web
#EmpireRecords was originally written to take place over 2 days, but they got squished into one. No wonder this movie makes little sense.
1:47 PM Apr 14th via web
#EmpireRecords is like the chick in the Elvis Costello song "Episode of Blonde." It has the attention span of warm cellophane.
1:47 PM Apr 14th via web
As #EmpireRecords squeezes in dramatic crisis after dramatic crisis, I feel like Mel Brooks at the start of High Anxiety.
1:47 PM Apr 14th via web
Instead of "What a dramatic airport!," it's "What a dramatic independent record store!"
1:48 PM Apr 14th via web
An #EmpireRecords dramatic scene that's actually not terrible is Deb at her "funeral," quietly deciding not to try to kill herself anymore.
1:49 PM Apr 14th via web
The mock funeral is clearly a shout-out to Robert Altman's M*A*S*H.
1:51 PM Apr 14th via web
Speaking of Altman, Liv Tyler went on to give what's perhaps her best performance so far in Cookie's Fortune.
1:52 PM Apr 14th via web
The fake funeral in the middle of the day makes no sense. I thought Rex Manning Day's supposed to the busiest day of the yr.
1:52 PM Apr 14th via web
Despite making no sense, Deb's fake funeral is genuinely amusing. Deb gets annoyed by how self-absorbed her "mourners" are.
1:53 PM Apr 14th via web
Tyra from Friday Night Lights has a lot in common with Gina. Both are trampy blondes who don't want to turn into their moms.
1:54 PM Apr 14th via web
WARNING: Warren the shoplifter's Johnny Rotten-like screechy voice may frighten canine viewers.
1:55 PM Apr 14th via web
This movie would be shorter if the townspeople used Twitter to spread the word about the store-saving midnight concert.
2:02 PM Apr 14th via web
#EmpireRecords was my 1st exposure to Renee Zellweger. When Jerry Maguire dropped, I was like, "It's the apron chick from #EmpireRecords."
2:03 PM Apr 14th via web
I've actually never seen Jerry Maguire, even though I bought a widescreen VHS of Jerry Maguire 11 years ago.
2:04 PM Apr 14th via web
VHS was where #EmpireRecords found its cult after a theatrical run that shouldn't even be called a release. It was more like a silent fart.
2:06 PM Apr 14th via web
Hal Sparks-ish Evil Corporate Exec from Music Town says one of the movie's best lines: "Doesn't anybody work in this store?"
2:06 PM Apr 14th via web
Zellweger's performance of "Sugar High" on the rooftop is another highlight of #EmpireRecords. No lip-synching-to-Marni Nixon shit here.2:07 PM Apr 14th via web
Coyote Shivers is best known for "Sugar High" and getting slapped with restraining orders by his ex--Abby from NCIS.
2:07 PM Apr 14th via web
Coyote Shivers' douchey treatment of Pauley Perrette is diminishing my enjoyment of "Sugar High."
2:08 PM Apr 14th via web
Abusing and stalking Abby from NCIS is like clubbing a baby seal. A Gothy, studded dog collar-wearing baby seal.
2:08 PM Apr 14th via web
Wow. @smush21 of @GraceNMichelle recreates Renee Zellweger's outfit and sings "Sugar High": http://bit.ly/9utUo0
2:09 PM Apr 14th via web
Tobey Maguire, who's listed in the credits but was deleted from #EmpireRecords' theatrical cut, isn't found in this 2003 "Remix" either.
2:13 PM Apr 14th via web
This 2003 version of #EmpireRecords is 17 minutes longer than the 1995 version, yet they weren't able to squeeze in Spider-Man?
2:13 PM Apr 14th via web
Maybe Maguire had a crying scene that's as awful as his Spider-Man 3 crying scenes. Maybe that's why he remains deleted from #EmpireRecords.
2:14 PM Apr 14th via web
The Tobey Maguire footage that we all want to see isn't even included in the DVD's deleted scenes.
2:14 PM Apr 14th via web
The deleted scenes contain more of Maxwell Caulfield as Rex and establish that he once was like the Coyote Shivers character.
2:14 PM Apr 14th via web
In the deleted footage, Rex redeems himself and gets his street cred back by jamming with Coyote Shivers.
2:15 PM Apr 14th via web
I'll now describe Rex's regained street cred in rap history terms without sounding like a dumbass like Michael Steele.
2:15 PM Apr 14th via web
Rex is LL Cool J, and his deleted midnight concert scene is his Mama Said Knock You Out moment after losing his street cred.
2:16 PM Apr 14th via web
The Gin Blossoms' "Til I Hear It from You" was co-written by Marshall Crenshaw? I did not know that. That's weird wild stuff.
2:16 PM Apr 14th via web
For some reason, I thought Adam Schlesinger from Fountains of Wayne co-wrote "Til I Hear It from You."
2:17 PM Apr 14th via web
"Til I Hear It from You" is a pop song I'm kind of ashamed to admit I like.
2:17 PM Apr 14th via web
My text commentary continues for a few minutes after the credits ended. I guess this is like the Fast Times DVD commentrak.
2:18 PM Apr 14th via web
It looks like #EmpireRecords director Allan Moyle was trying to make a freewheeling Altman flick for Gen-Xers...
2:19 PM Apr 14th via web
... but the different sections (ooh, it's an Afterschool Special about drugs... ooh, now it's on suicide) don't gel together.
2:19 PM Apr 14th via web
There's a much better Altman-esque flick for Gen-Xers that also starred Rory Cochrane. It's called Dazed and Confused.
2:20 PM Apr 14th via web
Even though Dazed and Confused is set in the '70s, it's very much a Gen-Xer film.
2:20 PM Apr 14th via web
The dramatic conflicts in Dazed and Confused feel much less forced. I almost forgot that Renee Zellweger is also in D&C.
2:21 PM Apr 14th via web
As a shout-out to Cochrane and Zellweger's earlier film, a store register had a Dazed and Confused bumper sticker on it.
2:22 PM Apr 14th via web
The register with the Dazed and Confused sticker was behind Warren the shoplifter while he waved his gun around.
2:22 PM Apr 14th via web
Rent Dazed and Confused instead of #EmpireRecords if you haven't seen either film. The drinking games you can play during D&C are the shit. 2:23 PM Apr 14th via web
After the "Drink when Wiley Wiggins touches his nose" game during Dazed and Confused, you'll be dead from alcohol poisoning.
2:25 PM Apr 14th via web
End of #EmpireRecords live-tweet. Damn the man. Drop by afistfulofsoundtracks.blogspot.com for the live-tweet recap.
2:26 PM Apr 14th via web
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