Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Reefer Madness live-tweet recap

Spidey by A.L. Baroza
On 420, I live-tweeted the original 1936 version of Reefer Madness. The movie's so boring I wanted to jump out the window like that overacting pot dealer lady at the end.

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Is it really necessary to post the movie's former title under the final one? That's like if Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid opened with 'Formerly The Sundance Kid and Butch Cassidy.'
In a few minutes, I'm live-tweeting Reefer Madness. I haven't heard Nelson/Murphy/Corbett's RiffTrax of it. I bet it's hilarious.
12:01 PM Apr 20th via web

#ReeferMadnessLiveTweet starts now. This propaganda piece is apparently a classic in the drug-scare genre.
12:05 PM Apr 20th via web

The movie paved the way for such drug-scare gems as the Dragnet "Blue Boy" episode and the Quincy punk episode.
12:06 PM Apr 20th via web

The Quincy punk episode? Yeah, punk isn't a drug, but...
12:06 PM Apr 20th via web

... Jack Klugman, at his most self-indulgent and toupeed, preaches against punk as if it's a drug.
12:07 PM Apr 20th via web

MTV now reruns movies like the Star Wars prequels and The Matrix. But back when the channel was about videos...
12:07 PM Apr 20th via web

... this public-domain piece of shit was the only movie MTV could afford to broadcast.
12:08 PM Apr 20th via web

The opening credits begin. "Marihuana is that drug--a violent narcotic..." Just like cokane and hairrowhen.
12:09 PM Apr 20th via web

"Marihuana" finally leads to "acts of shocking violence"? Someone is feeding you bad intel, opening credits guy.
12:10 PM Apr 20th via web

A violent stoner is like a black Gossip Girl viewer. They don't exist.
12:10 PM Apr 20th via web

Pineapple Express shows what it's like if stoners try to get violent. As action heroes, they're the clumsiest.
12:11 PM Apr 20th via web

Reefer Madness, a.k.a. Tell Your Children, opens with the ugliest credits font ever.
12:11 PM Apr 20th via web

The ugly credits font is a cross between church bingo sign writing and the Dukes of Hazzard font.
12:12 PM Apr 20th via web

The opening crawl goes on forever. A stoner was probably responsible for the speed of the opening crawl.
12:13 PM Apr 20th via web

The narrator hates grass so much he throws a hissy fit if his tennis friends take him to a club that has only grass courts.
The exciting PTA meeting sequence influenced similar PTA meeting sequences in The French Connection and Ronin.
12:15 PM Apr 20th via web

Drink every time you hear the word "scourge."
12:16 PM Apr 20th via web

What is this? Fox News? The principal creepily repeats phrases like a Republican pundit.
12:18 PM Apr 20th via web

"Scourge." "Deadly narcotic." "Deadly drug." Get a thesaurus, motherfucker!
12:19 PM Apr 20th via web

When I hear the word "scourge," weed doesn't come to mind. What comes to mind is the Decepticon who had a beard.
12:19 PM Apr 20th via web

The Transformer gods' little joke: robot facial hairHow did Scourge and Wreck-Gar grow facial hair? Was that the Transformer gods' equivalent of the platypus?
12:20 PM Apr 20th via web

The principal is doing Adam Sandler's "You can put your weed in there" shtick from Rob Schneider's The Hot Chick.
12:20 PM Apr 20th via web

"They are hidden inside jewelry cases, in the heels of shoes, women's shoes especially."
12:21 PM Apr 20th via web

The principal with the weird accent looks like the type of guy who's got a fetish for collecting women's shoes.
12:22 PM Apr 20th via web

Female weed dealers didn't look like Mary-Louise Parker back then.
12:24 PM Apr 20th via web

Female dealers in the 1930s looked like the butterface from Peanuts who brags about her naturally curly hair.
12:24 PM Apr 20th via web

'Are you jealous of my naturally curly hair?'
The shots of the butterface slipping on her stockings were tacked onto the movie by an exploitation producer.
12:25 PM Apr 20th via web

The movie was originally funded by a church group. I bet the sight of the dealer chick's bare knees infuriated them.
12:25 PM Apr 20th via web

The director's idea of a scandalous opium den-like hangout is the Ricardos' living room from I Love Lucy.
12:26 PM Apr 20th via web

A teen warns his friend that Ralph the leering, very Aryan-looking pothead is "a little too old for us."
12:29 PM Apr 20th via web

Ralph's first scenes are dripping with Top Gun-like homoerotic tension.
12:29 PM Apr 20th via web

The camera is obsessed with Ralph and his friends' asses as they walk to the diner.
12:30 PM Apr 20th via web

The camera must be omnisexual like Captain Jack. It leers at ladies' stockings and checks out guys' asses.
12:30 PM Apr 20th via web

The diner is the whitest hangout I've ever seen. It's a Denny's employee's wet dream.
12:31 PM Apr 20th via web

If these ragtime piano-playing diner folks were really potheads, the music wouldn't suck so much.
12:32 PM Apr 20th via web

Tucker Carlson gets his wardrobe ideas from this movie.
The movie traces how chronic ruins the life of 40-year-old high school student Bill Harper.
12:33 PM Apr 20th via web

'Cause day n' night/The dorky stoner won't stop saying "swell" tonight.
12:34 PM Apr 20th via web

Bill and his boo horrendously recite Romeo and Juliet to each other. The Bard is doing a pinwheel in his grave.
12:34 PM Apr 20th via web

"I'll buy you a soda." Bill says, "I never drink that stuff!" Bill prefers the blood of young virgins.
12:37 PM Apr 20th via web

Mary 'Jane' Lane
Bill's new homies are the least convincing movie potheads ever. The actors flunked Fake Inhaling 101.
12:41 PM Apr 20th via web

The terrible acting reminds me of the late Mitch Hedberg's bit about movie pot: http://bit.ly/9fIITN
12:42 PM Apr 20th via web

I wish Method or Redman or @johnthecho or Kal Penn or Cheech or Chong would show up to liven up this movie...
12:42 PM Apr 20th via web

... because without cheeba, this movie is boring and not the campy wild ride everyone makes it out to be.
12:43 PM Apr 20th via web

The movie's public-domain status has resulted in a few colorized or re-edited versions.
12:44 PM Apr 20th via web

Maybe this movie would be more watchable with a new soundtrack provided by Redman, Cypress Hill or Lil Wayne.
12:44 PM Apr 20th via web

I'd re-edit the movie so that Bill gets high to the sounds of "Kush" by Lil Wayne: http://bit.ly/dvSZvA
12:45 PM Apr 20th via web

"Hit and Run" by the Bar-Kays would be great for the scene where a stoner kisses an old man with his car hood.
12:46 PM Apr 20th via web

This film says weed makes you a speedy driver. Yeah, that's as likely as Leno giving up The Tonight Show.
12:46 PM Apr 20th via web

After the apocalypse, all that'll be left are cockroaches and Leno, carrying a mic and testing the roaches' I.Q.
12:47 PM Apr 20th via web

Post-apocalyptic Leno: "So Mr. Cockroach, can you tell me who the cockroach in this picture is?"
12:48 PM Apr 20th via web

So when the anti-pot principal suffers from glaucoma, how's he gonna treat it? With optic nerve restoration tonic?
12:49 PM Apr 20th via web

Nothing says teenage rebellion like ragtime piano.
12:50 PM Apr 20th via web

In addition to making you drive faster, mary jane also turns you into a rapist.
12:57 PM Apr 20th via web

If this were real life, Ralph would be in no shape to get it up. This movie gets so many details right.
12:57 PM Apr 20th via web

Hey David Byrne, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?
Attempted rape. Fistfights. Gunshots. In 2010, this is what's known as a Jersey Shore cast party.
12:58 PM Apr 20th via web

Jack: "She's dead. Mae, get me some water." Jack, this ain't the time to show off your corpse ventriloquism act.
12:58 PM Apr 20th via web

Bill: "Mary! Mary!" I keep expecting him to next say, "You want the moon, Mary? I'll throw a lasso around it..."
1:00 PM Apr 20th via web

The creepy anti-pot principal keeps looking at the camera. He's trying to take over the viewer's soul.
1:04 PM Apr 20th via web

"It causes errors in time & space." Someone should write a sci-fi movie about blunts that can make you time-travel.
1:08 PM Apr 20th via web

Ralph is like the shittiest piano teacher ever: 'Play it faster! Faster!'
Ralph's crazed Michelle Bachman-esque expressions are the most disturbing thing about this movie.
1:16 PM Apr 20th via web

The shitty print I'm watching suddenly doesn't have the audio in sync with the image.
1:16 PM Apr 20th via web

The out-of-sync audio makes Reefer Madness look like a dubbed kung fu flick.
1:18 PM Apr 20th via web

It looks like Jack is going to say to Ralph, "For someone who's a Shaolin monk, your kung fu's really lousy!"
1:19 PM Apr 20th via web

Before newspapers discovered Spellcheck
The movie has turned into a tedious courtroom drama with a bit of '80s Divorce Court-caliber overacting.
1:23 PM Apr 20th via web

Tell Your Children This Movie Sucks
The principal reminds the viewers to "Tell Your Children." About what? That you look like a registered sex offender?
1:29 PM Apr 20th via web

Reefer Madness most definitely won't be the last terrible B-movie to be turned into a musical. I bet Tommy Wiseau's The Room will be converted into an all-singing, all-dancing extravaganza.
The Kristen Bell version of Reefer Madness is probably something the original version is not: watchable. End of #ReeferMadnessLiveTweet.
1:30 PM Apr 20th via web

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