Friday, January 9, 2009

My snarky movie summaries (Part 3)

Previously: Parts 1 and 2.

The Mist
Thomas Jane, Andre Braugher and Marcia Gay Harden star in Stephen King's tale of the invasion of an addictive lemon-lime soft drink.

Monster House
All the characters in this motion-capture movie were designed with a large head/tiny body look. Apparently the animators were inspired by Nicole Richie.

Nacho Libre
The most hilarious white guy playing a Mexican since Charlton Heston in Touch of Evil.

If Nicolas Cage's character is supposed to be able to predict the future, then why couldn't he stop his barber from giving him a ridonkulous Da Vinci Code Tom Hanks?

Not since Tammy Faye Bakker has someone been buried under so much makeup.

The Number 23
The most disturbing episode of Sesame Street ever.

Ocean's Thirteen
The 13th movie in the Ocean's franchise. Damn, this series has been around for awhile.

The Omen (2006)
Liev Schreiber and Julia Stiles star as the dumbest parents since Britney and K-Fed.

The guy's worn-out guitar in this movie has seen more fingers than Paris Hilton's hoo-ha.

One Night With the King
This is a religious film? The title makes it sound like a movie about Cybill Shepherd's one-night stand with Elvis, which she hasn't told enough times. Please, Cybill, continue recounting it again while we vomit in our mouths.

Paprika isn't the first shrink-turned-superhero. Prince of Tides had Barbra Streisand and her adamantium nails.

Paris, je t'aime
The Coen brothers, Alfonso Cuarón and Alexander Payne are among the 18 beloved directors who filmed segments for this cinematic ode to Paris. According to the Bizarro Internet Movie Database, this film is directed by the likes of Uwe Boll, Brett Ratner and William Shatner. And it's an ode to Branson, Missouri.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
What the hell is Keith Richards doing in a Disney movie? Was he expecting Goofy to hook him up with some smack?

The Proposition
Once again, Guy Pearce edges out Ethan Hawke in the race to see who could play the most characters in need of a bath.

Potatogate The Pursuit of Happyness
Columbia should really reconsider having Dan Quayle come up with the titles for their movies.

Jack Klugman wants to do a remake that'll be set in "da world of forensic medicine." It'll be called Quincyañera.

The Queen
Dame Helen Mirren received a five-minute standing ovation at the Venice Film Festival for her performance in this film. Meanwhile, Screech from Saved by the Bell received a free five-minute lapdance for his performance in the Screech sex video.

Next: Part 4.

1 comment:

  1. There are some really great
    Branson shows! One of my favorites is the Shoji. You should see some if you ever head that way.