Showing posts with label Nicolas Cage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nicolas Cage. Show all posts
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Friday, January 9, 2009
My snarky movie summaries (Part 3)
Previously: Parts 1 and 2.
The Mist
Thomas Jane, Andre Braugher and Marcia Gay Harden star in Stephen King's tale of the invasion of an addictive lemon-lime soft drink.
Nacho Libre
The most hilarious white guy playing a Mexican since Charlton Heston in Touch of Evil.
Next
If Nicolas Cage's character is supposed to be able to predict the future, then why couldn't he stop his barber from giving him a ridonkulous Da Vinci Code Tom Hanks?
Norbit
Not since Tammy Faye Bakker has someone been buried under so much makeup.
The Number 23
The most disturbing episode of Sesame Street ever.
Ocean's Thirteen
The 13th movie in the Ocean's franchise. Damn, this series has been around for awhile.
One Night With the King
This is a religious film? The title makes it sound like a movie about Cybill Shepherd's one-night stand with Elvis, which she hasn't told enough times. Please, Cybill, continue recounting it again while we vomit in our mouths.
Paprika
Paprika isn't the first shrink-turned-superhero. Prince of Tides had Barbra Streisand and her adamantium nails.
Paris, je t'aime
The Coen brothers, Alfonso Cuarón and Alexander Payne are among the 18 beloved directors who filmed segments for this cinematic ode to Paris. According to the Bizarro Internet Movie Database, this film is directed by the likes of Uwe Boll, Brett Ratner and William Shatner. And it's an ode to Branson, Missouri.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
What the hell is Keith Richards doing in a Disney movie? Was he expecting Goofy to hook him up with some smack?
The Proposition
Once again, Guy Pearce edges out Ethan Hawke in the race to see who could play the most characters in need of a bath.
The Pursuit of Happyness
Columbia should really reconsider having Dan Quayle come up with the titles for their movies.
Quinceañera
Jack Klugman wants to do a remake that'll be set in "da world of forensic medicine." It'll be called Quincyañera.
The Queen
Dame Helen Mirren received a five-minute standing ovation at the Venice Film Festival for her performance in this film. Meanwhile, Screech from Saved by the Bell received a free five-minute lapdance for his performance in the Screech sex video.
Next: Part 4.
The Mist
Thomas Jane, Andre Braugher and Marcia Gay Harden star in Stephen King's tale of the invasion of an addictive lemon-lime soft drink.
Nacho Libre
The most hilarious white guy playing a Mexican since Charlton Heston in Touch of Evil.
Next
If Nicolas Cage's character is supposed to be able to predict the future, then why couldn't he stop his barber from giving him a ridonkulous Da Vinci Code Tom Hanks?
Norbit
Not since Tammy Faye Bakker has someone been buried under so much makeup.
The Number 23
The most disturbing episode of Sesame Street ever.
Ocean's Thirteen
The 13th movie in the Ocean's franchise. Damn, this series has been around for awhile.
One Night With the King
This is a religious film? The title makes it sound like a movie about Cybill Shepherd's one-night stand with Elvis, which she hasn't told enough times. Please, Cybill, continue recounting it again while we vomit in our mouths.
Paprika
Paprika isn't the first shrink-turned-superhero. Prince of Tides had Barbra Streisand and her adamantium nails.
Paris, je t'aime
The Coen brothers, Alfonso Cuarón and Alexander Payne are among the 18 beloved directors who filmed segments for this cinematic ode to Paris. According to the Bizarro Internet Movie Database, this film is directed by the likes of Uwe Boll, Brett Ratner and William Shatner. And it's an ode to Branson, Missouri.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
What the hell is Keith Richards doing in a Disney movie? Was he expecting Goofy to hook him up with some smack?
The Proposition
Once again, Guy Pearce edges out Ethan Hawke in the race to see who could play the most characters in need of a bath.
The Pursuit of HappynessColumbia should really reconsider having Dan Quayle come up with the titles for their movies.
Quinceañera
Jack Klugman wants to do a remake that'll be set in "da world of forensic medicine." It'll be called Quincyañera.
The Queen
Dame Helen Mirren received a five-minute standing ovation at the Venice Film Festival for her performance in this film. Meanwhile, Screech from Saved by the Bell received a free five-minute lapdance for his performance in the Screech sex video.
Next: Part 4.
My snarky movie summaries (Part 1)
Throughout this year, I'm going to post older material--like unpublished writing I've kept buried in my computer or transcripts of interviews from my days on terrestrial radio.
Earlier this week, Lionsgate, the studio that's most famous for the Saw franchise, spent $255 million to acquire the TV Guide Network and TVGuide.com--the first things that come to mind when I think of torture porn. So the first oldie-but-goodie that I've dug up from my own archives comes from my years as an HTML coder for a local newspaper's Web site, when I would try to stay awake during my boring then-job by spoofing the movie summaries in TV Guide and sneaking snarky or jokey descriptions of upcoming releases into the site's movie listings section.
I always wondered how the anonymous writers who typed up all those little movie summaries in TV Guide really felt about some of those flicks.
One of those writers would say the following about Titanic:
A socialite (Kate Winslet) falls for an impoverished artist (Leonardo DiCaprio) on the ill-fated 1912 Titanic voyage.
But he was probably thinking the following:
Kate Winslet gets naked. Otherwise, I can't believe I let my then-girlfriend drag me to this. L.A. Confidential was robbed at the Oscars.
From 2006 to 2008, I got the chance to fulfill my lifelong dream of being like an anonymous TV Guide movie synopsis writer, but I did it my way, which was to be silly and snarky:
American Gangster
Russell Crowe takes on mobster Denzel Washington in his own unique way. He throws a phone at him.
Arthur and the Invisibles
This CGI-animated feature semi-reunites Robert De Niro with his Mean Streets co-star Harvey Keitel. If you watch carefully, the reunion takes place during the scene when Maltazard calls Arthur a "mook" and Arthur beats him with a bat.
Babel
Another upbeat crowdpleaser from director Alejandro González Iñárritu.
Black Sheep (2006)
Features some of the nastiest sheep in movie history since that one that slept with Gene Wilder.
Blood Diamond
Why does Djimon Hounsou always play oppressed or abused characters? He's like a black Meredith Baxter Birney.
The Break-Up
Vince Vaughn breaks up with Jon Favreau. The most wrenching depiction of a split between buddies since the breakup between Siskel and Ebert during that episode of The Critic.
Cars
Pixar reportedly asked Speed Buggy to do a cameo, but he's fallen on hard times and was last seen living in a homeless shelter in L.A. while trying to kick an addiction to propane.
Charlotte's Web
It's cool that the filmmakers stuck with the original sad ending: Wilbur finds Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box.
Conversations With Other Women
Director Hans Canosa uses a split screen for the entire movie. Somewhere, Brian De Palma is creaming his pants.
The Descent
You know what would make that awful reality show Starting Over more watchable? If the show's producers sent the shrill and whiny women off on a spelunking trip. In a monster-infested cave.
Down in the Valley
Edward Norton romances the much younger Evan Rachel Wood. Rated R for R. Kelly-style urges.
Employee of the Month
Jessica Simpson as a superstore cashier? Does she even know how to add?
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Better Luck Tomorrow director Justin Lin joins the franchise and brings a mostly Asian cast with him, because making these street racing movies without a predominantly Asian cast is like whenever Woody Allen does a movie set in New York and all the black people have mysteriously vanished.
Fast Food Nation
Richard Linklater and Eric Schlosser expose the sordid side of the fast food industry, from the harsh treatment of illegal immigrant workers to Mayor McCheese's fondness for crack cocaine.
Flags of Our Fathers
This is Clint Eastwood's first of two Iwo Jima movies. It's a miracle how he managed to see what he was filming during those combat scenes because the guy won't stop squinting. Clint, you keep squinting your eyes like that, they're gonna stay that way.
Georgia Rule
Lindsay Lohan got spanked by the producers for her unprofessional behavior during the shooting of this movie. They should have also spanked the singing career out of her. You haven't lived until you've heard Lohan mangle "Edge of Seventeen."
Ghost Rider
Nicolas Cage's latest film is about the phenomenon of dancing on top of your car while it's in neutral.
Next: Parts 2, 3 and 4.
Earlier this week, Lionsgate, the studio that's most famous for the Saw franchise, spent $255 million to acquire the TV Guide Network and TVGuide.com--the first things that come to mind when I think of torture porn. So the first oldie-but-goodie that I've dug up from my own archives comes from my years as an HTML coder for a local newspaper's Web site, when I would try to stay awake during my boring then-job by spoofing the movie summaries in TV Guide and sneaking snarky or jokey descriptions of upcoming releases into the site's movie listings section.
I always wondered how the anonymous writers who typed up all those little movie summaries in TV Guide really felt about some of those flicks.
One of those writers would say the following about Titanic:
A socialite (Kate Winslet) falls for an impoverished artist (Leonardo DiCaprio) on the ill-fated 1912 Titanic voyage.
But he was probably thinking the following:
Kate Winslet gets naked. Otherwise, I can't believe I let my then-girlfriend drag me to this. L.A. Confidential was robbed at the Oscars.
From 2006 to 2008, I got the chance to fulfill my lifelong dream of being like an anonymous TV Guide movie synopsis writer, but I did it my way, which was to be silly and snarky:
American Gangster
Russell Crowe takes on mobster Denzel Washington in his own unique way. He throws a phone at him.
Arthur and the Invisibles
This CGI-animated feature semi-reunites Robert De Niro with his Mean Streets co-star Harvey Keitel. If you watch carefully, the reunion takes place during the scene when Maltazard calls Arthur a "mook" and Arthur beats him with a bat.
Babel
Another upbeat crowdpleaser from director Alejandro González Iñárritu.
Black Sheep (2006)
Features some of the nastiest sheep in movie history since that one that slept with Gene Wilder.
Blood Diamond
Why does Djimon Hounsou always play oppressed or abused characters? He's like a black Meredith Baxter Birney.
The Break-Up
Vince Vaughn breaks up with Jon Favreau. The most wrenching depiction of a split between buddies since the breakup between Siskel and Ebert during that episode of The Critic.
Cars
Pixar reportedly asked Speed Buggy to do a cameo, but he's fallen on hard times and was last seen living in a homeless shelter in L.A. while trying to kick an addiction to propane.
Charlotte's Web
It's cool that the filmmakers stuck with the original sad ending: Wilbur finds Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box.
Conversations With Other Women
Director Hans Canosa uses a split screen for the entire movie. Somewhere, Brian De Palma is creaming his pants.
The Descent
You know what would make that awful reality show Starting Over more watchable? If the show's producers sent the shrill and whiny women off on a spelunking trip. In a monster-infested cave.
Down in the Valley
Edward Norton romances the much younger Evan Rachel Wood. Rated R for R. Kelly-style urges.
Employee of the Month
Jessica Simpson as a superstore cashier? Does she even know how to add?
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Better Luck Tomorrow director Justin Lin joins the franchise and brings a mostly Asian cast with him, because making these street racing movies without a predominantly Asian cast is like whenever Woody Allen does a movie set in New York and all the black people have mysteriously vanished.
Fast Food Nation
Richard Linklater and Eric Schlosser expose the sordid side of the fast food industry, from the harsh treatment of illegal immigrant workers to Mayor McCheese's fondness for crack cocaine.
Flags of Our Fathers
This is Clint Eastwood's first of two Iwo Jima movies. It's a miracle how he managed to see what he was filming during those combat scenes because the guy won't stop squinting. Clint, you keep squinting your eyes like that, they're gonna stay that way.
Georgia Rule
Lindsay Lohan got spanked by the producers for her unprofessional behavior during the shooting of this movie. They should have also spanked the singing career out of her. You haven't lived until you've heard Lohan mangle "Edge of Seventeen."
Ghost Rider
Nicolas Cage's latest film is about the phenomenon of dancing on top of your car while it's in neutral.
Next: Parts 2, 3 and 4.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Rudy Ray Moore (1937-2008)
Fuckin' up muthafuckas was his game.
Comedian Rudy Ray Moore, a.k.a. trash-talking '70s action hero Dolemite, a.k.a. the Human Tornado, has died of complications from diabetes. He was 81.
Famous for its stiff martial arts choreography and production values that were so low that the boom mike gets enough screen time to qualify as a supporting character, Moore's 1975 cult classic Dolemite is a pretty bad movie (bad not meaning good in this case). Not a lot of bad movies are fun to watch (exhibit A: Nicolas Cage's last few action films). But Dolemite is fun to watch--and endlessly quotable ("Man, move over and let me pass 'fore they have to be pullin' these Hush Puppies out yo' muthafuckin' ass!").
Moore's B-movies have had such a huge influence on the hip-hop generation. Robin Harris is seen watching Dolemite and quoting from it during House Party, Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Got Your Money" video consists of nothing but footage from Dolemite and the Beastie Boys constantly reference Moore in their music (the classic "Hey Ladies" video recreates a sex scene from one of Moore's movies):
One of my favorite MADtv sketches spoofed Dolemite and its wooden actors and lousy production values. As the "Son of Dolemite," a half-naked Aries Spears ran around fuckin' up muthafuckas in "Pas-uh-DEE-NUH!" with his beergut hilariously hanging out of his bikini briefs.
It's been kind of a tough past three days for the hip-hop generation. First, we have to endure the sight of Sarah Palin attempting to relate to us by "raising the roof" on SNL*, and now a favorite blaction hero dies.
* I'm not a fan of SNL's "really white white people trying to rap" shtick, but Amy Poehler's got skills. When 8 Mile co-star Brittany Murphy guest-hosted SNL a few seasons ago, the show did an 8 Mile-inspired sketch about a fake feud between the cast members from the East Coast and the cast members from the West Coast, and Poehler was killin' it.
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