Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The five worst things in recent annoying commercials that don't involve Carlos Mencia or Salesgenie pandas

5. The fugly '70s swinger couple in the jacuzzi during Jack in the Box's "Jack Sandwich" ad

I love hamburgers. So why the hell do Carl's Jr. and Jack in the Box always come up with ads that make me lose my appetite? Besides E. coli, the last thing I want to think about when I'm biting into a Jack Sandwich is chest hair.

4. acoustic guitarist guy

One of the reasons why I worked hard to graduate from UC Santa Cruz was so that I don't have to hear downtown Santa Cruz street musicians sing anymore. Thanks, poor man's Andy Samberg, for reminding me of one of the many things I had to put up with during my university days.

3. The Collins College guys who yammer about game designing as if they're about to pants their cream

G4 is still running this dumb ad, even after X-Play ridiculed it? Mannered actor D-bag on our left looks like a really, really poor man's Pat Riley.

2. That horrible-sounding score cue during the Lean Pockets little-girl-atop-Dad's-shoulders ad that sounds like a Knight Rider version of Roger and the Gypsies' "Pass the Hatchet"

The cheesiest part of Knight Rider wasn't David Hasselhoff's overly leathery wardrobe. It was those godawful covers of '80s pop songs on the soundtrack (the Knight Rider producers couldn't afford to use the original versions, so they hired session musicians to re-record the tunes). That's what the music in that Lean Pockets ad sounds like--a Knight Rider-ified mangling of "Pass the Hatchet." I have to mute my TV every time that damn ad airs. Jim Gaffigan can't seem to decide what bugs him the most about Pockets: the taste, the concept of filling a Pop Tart with rancid meat or the ad music. For me, it's the crappy music.

1. Manorexic poor man's Jim Caviezel, who steps out of the shower and douchily nods his head to a Rhapsody playlist of Sara Bareilles songs. You want to yank his towel and rat-tail that smug look off his face.

I'll let some of the more coherent YouTube commenters have the floor:

"guy on commercial: big head, tiny arms, not sexy"

"i hate that guy so much and i dont really no why"

"its cuz he's ugly :] u dont have to thank me for clearing that up for you"

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